When I was younger, I was one of those people that wouldn't let someone too close because I was afraid that they would recognize some inner weakness and use my vulnerabilty against me. I never allowed myself to become too close to people and to be honest with you, until I met Livia, and then later Scott, I continued to put up my personal walls without fail and without a second thought. I knew that some saw through me but I didn't care. I had to protect myself at all costs.
When I was younger, my little sister and I had a conversation that I will never forget and it was probably one of the first in which I was truly honest and open; and it was the same for her. Since that day, we have never turned back. We've become sisters in the true sense, and we've protected each other and loved each other unconditionally.
After having that conversation with Christy, after meeting Livia who is someone that demands truth from me at all times no matter what it costs, I've turned into a different person from the one I was in my youth.
That being said....over the past few days I've had an amazing treat, one that no one could hope for and receive. I've lost contact with some wonderful friends in the past and I've suddenly gotten back into touch with them....they sought me out because hell, we all know that I suck at technology and I am grateful that they're better at it than I am.
First Melanie and then Marlayne. Thus the title M&M. I actually think they'd really hit it off together. Massachusetts meets Kentucky. Oh, I've got to get a front row seat to that show.
Mel...my friend from the Midwest that has got to be one of the bubbliest people I know. Hey, is bubbliest even a word?
Marlayne....my blonde, even-keeled twin who enjoyed torturing cheerleaders as much as I did....
Life is unpredictable. I'd like to say that I am the same. Sometimes, however, predictability isn't black and white; I'll be honest, I'm happy for it. The people in your life, the ones that you get and love and understand and adore...well, sometimes they go away and sometimes you wish you had them back in your life again. I've gotten that chance again.
Anyway, I wanted to say that sometimes life takes you in a different direction. Sometimes, you question things, you wonder about people, you wish you could time travel.....I'm pleased that those people that I wondered about, those people that meant something to me even if I couldn't fully show it to them were the ones that are now coming back into my life.
From karaoke to yellow tomatoes......I'm grateful. Life is really good right now.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Strength of Life
I know it's been a while since I've written but to be honest, there wasn't much to write about until now. Suddenly, life is filled with turmoil. Not for myself and Scott but again, there is a weird sequence of events that forces me to think about more serious things. First and foremost, my boss, Helen, who is recovering from breast cancer (with a good prognosis) has lost her husband. I know that some time ago, I mentioned that he was terminal.
This past Friday, her husband was transferred to a rehabilitation center after he started sinking into severe confusion. The doctor in his hospital was horrible to Helen, not explaining to her that these were his last days. The new doctor at the rehab house sat her down and informed her of exactly what was going on, preparing her for the end. The very next day he was gone.
For the past year, most of my professional life has been embroiled in the journey that this woman and her husband have embarked upon and when I say she is one of the strongest women that I know, I do not jest. She has suffered alongside her husband, supported him, undergone her own sickness and recovery....and now that she is finally on the wellness road, he passes away from her. I know that in some way, it is a relief that he went quickly, but it saddens me that in the very end, she wasn't told what she was looking at....no one had enough grace and bedside manner to simply tell her that he was looking at his last days.
Of course, this made me wonder about human nature. It made me think about my own mortality, the machinations of the world, the very cruelty of fate. I realize now that some things that I've cared about don't deserve it....and some things that I've dismissed deserve my care. I can be that little silly girl, the one with Peter Pan Syndrome, the one that doesn't ever want to take life seriously....and I wonder when life gets serious....could I give it that attention it needs? Over the past five months, while I listened for news on Helen's recovery, when I saw her come into the office in the cute little pink ballcap that covered her bald head, I wondered how I would react if a similar situation became us. I wondered if I could be as strong.
I'm not a particularly religious person. I believe that happiness is in the responsibility of oneself....I believe that you and only you have the key to the outcome of your own future. But then I look at Helen and I realize that sometimes fate throws you a curveball and you can swing and miss. I just don't want to strike out.
Life is short. What a cliche. But strength is everlasting. Helen, I know you will probably never read this but if you do, know that you have been an inspiration to many and that despite your suffering and despite this awful year, you have a gigantic circle of people (some that you know, some that you don't) that are grieving with you at this moment.
This past Friday, her husband was transferred to a rehabilitation center after he started sinking into severe confusion. The doctor in his hospital was horrible to Helen, not explaining to her that these were his last days. The new doctor at the rehab house sat her down and informed her of exactly what was going on, preparing her for the end. The very next day he was gone.
For the past year, most of my professional life has been embroiled in the journey that this woman and her husband have embarked upon and when I say she is one of the strongest women that I know, I do not jest. She has suffered alongside her husband, supported him, undergone her own sickness and recovery....and now that she is finally on the wellness road, he passes away from her. I know that in some way, it is a relief that he went quickly, but it saddens me that in the very end, she wasn't told what she was looking at....no one had enough grace and bedside manner to simply tell her that he was looking at his last days.
Of course, this made me wonder about human nature. It made me think about my own mortality, the machinations of the world, the very cruelty of fate. I realize now that some things that I've cared about don't deserve it....and some things that I've dismissed deserve my care. I can be that little silly girl, the one with Peter Pan Syndrome, the one that doesn't ever want to take life seriously....and I wonder when life gets serious....could I give it that attention it needs? Over the past five months, while I listened for news on Helen's recovery, when I saw her come into the office in the cute little pink ballcap that covered her bald head, I wondered how I would react if a similar situation became us. I wondered if I could be as strong.
I'm not a particularly religious person. I believe that happiness is in the responsibility of oneself....I believe that you and only you have the key to the outcome of your own future. But then I look at Helen and I realize that sometimes fate throws you a curveball and you can swing and miss. I just don't want to strike out.
Life is short. What a cliche. But strength is everlasting. Helen, I know you will probably never read this but if you do, know that you have been an inspiration to many and that despite your suffering and despite this awful year, you have a gigantic circle of people (some that you know, some that you don't) that are grieving with you at this moment.
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