The One Joy of Pregnancy and Ten Things I Hate The Most

While we're waiting for my color to return and my nose to stop peeling (so I can not resemble a corpse in my photos, thus FREAKING everyone out), I figured I'd regale you with tales of pregnancy. Now it is no secret that I have no idea how women go through this more than once (and those of you that have, I give mad props to you...seriously, you deserve it although I think you're crazy but that's not the point). So without further ado, I will give you the ONE joy of pregnancy along with the TEN things I hate the most about being a veritable kangaroo for almost a year:

The ONE Joy of Pregnancy:

Feeling the little "joy of my loins" move around. I don't care how unemotional, insensitive, or detached you are, when you feel its butt pop up over your belly button, you can't help but giggle. It is really ridiculous if you think about it, but when it kicks in areas that does not cause me pain (ribs, lungs and tummy OUCH) I can't help but smile. And it really is fun to rub its ass through layers of skin and muscle and uterine tissue.

TEN Things I Hate the Most:

I've limited it to ten because I really could go on for a looooooooong time about why I don't like being pregnant but I thought I should keep it short. Notice I didn't say sweet. Now I fully understand that some women love being pregnant and keep in mind that I haven't had a bad pregnancy. I know plenty of women that have had so many problems that I really shouldn't have the right to bitch....but I'm me and I like to bitch so here goes:

10. The inability to properly breathe. One would think that if God would only have gotten this process right the first time, He would've taken into consideration that it FUCKING HURTS when you've got a small foot wedged up in your lung. So not cool.

9. The sciatica nerve phenomenon. Oh, yes, the capability of getting up off the sofa without hopping around because a shooting pain has gone from your ass to your heel instantaneously is a forgotten thing right now. I mean, with the amount of times we have to get up to pee (see #8) you would think that some mercy would've been granted in this department.

8. Bladder pancake. I get that the organs have to make way for the growing fetus, but really? Really? We have to have flattened bladders that hold a thimble's worth of urine? Uhhhhhh, huhh. And the doctors tell us "make sure you drink plenty of water." Fuck you.

7. The transformation from "hottie mom-to-be with a glow" (thanks to prenatals) to "barely living corpse with gray skin and flat hair". Hell, I haven't even gotten the water retention that some women get. I feel sorry for y'all. I feel your pain.

6. The belief by other women that their horror stories of pregnancy, delivery and postpartum should be heard by me. I know, I know. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone has a story to tell. But why do people think that it's OK to try to scare the bejezus out of people with their horrible stories? Thankfully, I'm a calm person and I don't really give a damn....but I really feel for some of the more skittish folk in my baby class. We don't need to hear that your friend's cousin's sister's 50 pound brat required an episiotomy that got infected and needed 30 stitches....we don't need to hear about your mom's hairdresser's granddaughter who went through 50 hours of nonstop excruciating labor only to be given a C-sec in the end. Seriously, what the hell makes you think that these stories are encouraging? Sigh.

5. Gas. There's no way around it. It hurts. It makes awful sounds. It smells bad. And it comes out whenever it wants. It doesn't seem to notice the small crowd of people in the bookstore when it decides to emit itself at that precise moment. And no, it doesn't take my mortification into consideration at all.

4. The inability to put on shoes and socks. This also includes shaving your legs and nether-region. Who would've thought that these simple things would be so....so....impossible? Doing anything below the waist becomes a task.

3. Feeling amorous. How can one really feel sexy when you lack energy, have a giant planet for a stomach and every ache or pain that could possibly surface does? The very thing that got you in the situation you're in to begin with has become a fleeting rendezvous, one that is greeted with a "let's get 'er done" mentality. I suppose it doesn't help when NONE of your silky pretty things fit anymore. Which leads to....

2. The weight gain. Oh yeah, you knew this was going to be on here. Now, please, before everyone gets all "you're having a baby" and "you're not fat", I understand all that crap. But let's be honest, you gain weight. It sucks. Plain and simple. Stop trying to sugarcoat it. Of course, I'm carrying a baby and that's the cause of the weight gain. Of course, it will be worth it in the end. Of course, I'll be glued to the gym and eating salads for months to get back down the the pre-baby weight. But that doesn't make the climbing numbers on the scale any easier to swallow.

1. The endless restrictions. I hate being told no. You can ask my momma...ever since I was little, I hated being told what to do. So when someone tells me I can't do something, it drives me batty. It's already bad enough that you can only take Tylenol when you're sick, that you have to read labels and you find yourself groaning when you see the inevitable "contact your physician if you're pregnant or breastfeeding" line, that you can't ingest certain things, etc, etc. The list goes on. But you know what really gets my panties in a bunch? Those "professional" mommies who want to tell you everything that their doctor told them not to do or that they read you shouldn't do....blah, blah, blah. Like lying on your right side has been proven to slow the fetus' brain activity or some crap like that. Now, I don't subscribe to these idiotic conspiracy theories because I believe that women have been having babies for thousands of years and I'm sure plenty of them have found their right side more comfy than their left and their babies came out just freaking fine. But all you pro-mommies out there....zip it. You don't get paid for your professional advice and we're all rolling our eyes at you anyway.

Thanks to everyone who hung in there and read my bitching with a grain of salt. I hope you all got a chuckle out of it, and the venting did make me feel better. I didn't add in how it sucks being sick when you're preggers because I figured that was a given and I also left out how you virtually hand your body over to an alien creature that sucks the life force out of you. I thought that might be a bit too harsh. However, the good news to all of this is that I'm six weeks and counting (still praying that I go a little early over here) so there isn't that much longer to go! I won't even go into all of the postpartum fun stuff that's probably going to happen because yes, I realize that I'm probably trying all of your patience.

Coming soon to this blog: MUCH PROMISED PHOTOS! Scott and I are in the process of getting together a very humorous photo shoot for this weekend so hang in there, kiddies, we've definitely come up with some fun and creative ways of displaying the giganimous belly of mine for the world to see!